Amen
by 29Pieces
Summary: It wasn't just the saps on Earth who were praying. The angels prayed, too. Series of 11 drabbling angel prayers set in various timelines.
_A/N: So this idea struck me after Metatron pointed out that the angels had been praying, too. This is just a series of drabbles from 11 different angels, no major spoilers if you haven't seen 11x20. Set in several different timelines, some recent, some old, some even older!_

* * *

 _Michael_

Father… Father it's me. Again. Why are you doing this? Is this… is it a test? Am I being tested? I'm trying to make you proud. I'm trying so hard. I'm holding everyone in Heaven together, but… we need you. _I_ need you. I know I'm supposed to take care of everyone, and I know you said to protect them, and I'm trying, but… maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was. It's such a heavy burden, and I'm not as strong as I used to believe.

I need your help. I need you to come home. You should know, we… we lost Gabriel today. Father, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I failed you, I failed your command to protect them, but you know Gabriel, no one could ever tell him what to do. Why did you create us to hurt so deeply? Why couldn't you have made us with hearts that would never break, spirits that would never crumble? I'm breaking, Father. I can't do this. Why are we being punished like this? How could we deserve such torture, when all we did was love you? All we did was love you! It's not fair!

It isn't right! We shouldn't have to feel such pain! I would rather feel _nothing_ then this loss, I can't take it anymore! This is your fault. This is on _you_. But I'll fix that. Gabriel… god, why did you leave? Little brother, not you, too…

I'll make sure _none_ of my brothers and sisters suffer like this anymore. You wanted soldiers? Well, you've got them. When I'm finished, _Father_ , we'll never feel again. You've done this. _You_ did this to us.

Lucifer… Gabriel… my- my brothers, I've failed you. I failed you, Father. And you failed us.

…Why?

* * *

 _Lucifer_

I did what you asked. I fought your sister. I suffered at her hands. I took the Mark because _you_ asked it of me. Throw me in a Cage? I'm done with you, Father. I deserve better, and you know it. I was _not_ made to bow like some slave, and if you think you can keep me here forever… think again.

I hope you like the demons I made for you. I hope the precious humans were worth it. And what was my crime, _truly_ , what was my crime? Evil? You think I created evil in them? Oh, no, you know better. You know the truth. I didn't make them evil… I merely cultivated what was already there, coiled, waiting, asleep in the dark until I brought it to light.

Just like what the Mark did to me.

So am I really so bad?

You made me into this. You gave me the Mark. I loved you above all others, I loved you with more love than anyone else could give, but you betrayed me. Did you think I would break? Oh, no. I will rise, and you'll see me again, Father, I promise you that. I'm the Morningstar. I was your favorite. I know that's why you merely banished me here.

But I'll let you in on a secret…

…you should have killed me when you had the chance.

* * *

 _Raphael_

It's been 3,821 years, 8 months, and 15 days since I last heard your voice. I don't understand. And I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Give me a sign. Show me something, anything to prove that you're coming back, that you still care. Big brother has been fighting hard, but it's wearing on Michael. I know you love him better, you never made that a secret. I'm only third in line, so come back for him, if not for me. He still thinks if he does what you ask, if he makes you proud, you'll come back.

But you and I, we see the truth, don't we?

Even still, you should return. Soon. You created me to be a healer, but… the truth is… no, I don't know if I can even say it out loud. I haven't told big brother this. I haven't told _anyone_ this. But the truth is, I'm… I'm….

…afraid.

Something's wrong. With me. Something isn't right, inside. I'm… I'm hollow. You created me to heal, but the truth is, I see my wounded brothers and sisters, and I…...

I don't care.

Something's happening to me, and I think it's because you've left. I never felt this when your light was there to warm me, when I had your presence to keep everything whole. Something's wrong. I- I think I'm… falling. I'm hiding it, of course, and I doubt anyone notices, but I don't care about anyone anymore. I don't care about anything, and I'm frightened. Why don't I care? They're my brothers. My sisters. Yet, they're nothing to me. If you came back, I'm sure I would be right again. Not that it matters to you. But I know you care about big brother, and Michael says you'll come back.

But it's been 3,821 years, 8 months, and 15 days, and I'm not so sure.

Hurry, Father. I'm falling fast. I don't want to fall. I want to care. I want to love. I want to feel.

But I don't.

* * *

 _Gabriel_

Hiya, Pops! What's - _hic_ \- shakin'? Okay so check this, Zeus is a thousand times more badass than you ever were. I mean, hello, throwing lightning bolts around with his bare hands? I bet in a fair fight, he'd kick your sorry ass. He'd pummel you into the ground!

…...Nothing? Huh. Fig-figured that would _-hic-_ get a reaction. Don't know why, though. I mean, you've made it pretty clear you don't give a damn about any of us anymore. Geeeeez I'm likin' these - _hic-_ drinks, have you ever heard of "wine"? Dionysus gave me some, and- and let me tell you, I actually don't give a shit anymore. Kinda - _hic-_ nice, know what I mean?

By the way, I'm a pagan god now.

…Seriously, nothing? Just so you know, that one was true. I skipped outta Heaven. And I _dare_ you to be pissed about that, really, because the way I see it, that's just a case of "like Father, like son." Where do you think I got it from, huh, Dad? You're the one who _-hic-_ taught me how to run away.

You- you know, I… whoo, this is makin' me dizzy… I don't get it. I know Luci kinda went off the- the deep end, but he… _really_ really loved you. We all did. Was… was it something I said? Something I did? _Hic_. This stuff is going to my- my head, I'm not really this emotional.

Dad, please come home. Whatever I did, I'll make it better. Whatever it was, I'm sorry… I'm sorry, okay? What did I do wrong, Dad? Please, just tell me what I did wrong, I'll do better. I'll _be_ better. I'll stop pranking the others. I'll do _anything_. Come on, Dad, I…. I just….

…you're not even listening. Are you.

* * *

 _Metatron_

Please, I'm _desperate_. Don't you understand this hole you've left in me? Don't you know how deeply I yearn, I _ache_ , to be close to you again? You can't do this… we were such a great team. You can't just pluck me from oblivion, shower me with your warmth, your _light_ , and then just… just leave.

Why did you leave me? Leave _us_? Father, _please_ , come home. Why- why would you just… go? I'm just an angel, one lowly, insignificant angel, barely worth an honorable mention in your acknowledgements page. But with you… with you I'm part of something _im_ _measurably_ magnificent.

How could you _do_ this? Where are you? I'm so lost, so afraid, so alone. We were meant to follow _your_ presence, not Michael's! I took down the word! I know how programmed we are to need your guidance, so how could you— _knowing_ this—run away and leave us in the dark? I can't see any light… I can't see any hope. I have to flee, do you understand that? They're going to _rip_ me apart looking for answers, but I don't know where you are, either! Come home, let me sit in your presence again. That's _all_ I ask, and it's not really so much.

….Hello? Was that you?! Did you just… oh. No… no, I thought I heard you, but it was just Naomi passing by. She didn't see me, so I'm safe for the moment. But for a second, I… I thought perhaps you had heard me.

I thought…... Never mind.

* * *

 _Balthazar_

Terribly sorry to intrude, but where _did_ you hide the key to the weapons vault?

* * *

 _Zachariah_

Why am I even still praying to you, when you've proven time and again that you really don't give a shit? This is fruitless. I'm tired of being made a fool of, clinging to some childish hope that _maybe_ you'll show your face again. You're clearly not coming back. Time to take matters into our own hands.

Oh, and I never liked your ridiculous little hairless apes, either. Just for the record. They stink, and they squawk, and they're so stupid that they would be dead in a matter of years if left on their own. Well, I say let nature take its course. We've watched over the pathetic things long enough.

Since you don't seem to care, why should I have to?

This will be my last prayer. I know, I've said that a million times, but _this_ time I mean it. I've been faithful, but if you've left the building, then there's no point in pandering. Michael will take care of things from here.

* * *

 _Joshua_

Yes, sir… I quite agree, the redwoods are certainly the most majestic. But, you know, I find I'm particularly partial to the dogwoods. Their blooms are the loveliest, you see. ….Yes, I know. The willows are doing wonderfully at the moment, though of course nothing compared to the delights you used to make. I've planted some zinnias in the eastern corner, as well. I think you would like them.

…No, I wouldn't say that. They would thrive on their own, I'm no master gardener. ….Hah, you're too kind. But I can't take the credit. I merely tend the works of _your_ hands. And… if I may… perhaps a touch from you wouldn't go amiss. …Yes, I know why you- alright, then, I won't mention it again.

But we miss you around here. …no, that doesn't count as mentioning it. One gardener to another, though, some things require particular love and attention in order to grow. I find that love and attention is increasingly lacking in Heaven these days, and I'm only one angel, after all.

…Well, thank you. Good luck with your own garden. Farewell.

* * *

 _Gadreel_

Father! Father, _please_! Please, make them stop! It hurts… oh god, it hurts! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I never meant to let him in! Father! _Father_! Father, why have you abandoned me? I'm so sorry, AGH! Please, please stop, please make it stop, I- I can't take anymore! Mercy, Father, please, just kill me! Kill me, make it end! Give me one more chance, just one chance, let me make it right! I swear I won't let you down, just give me a chance… forgive me, _please_!

Father!

 _Father!_

* * *

 _Samandriel_

Father? It's me. Samandriel. They say there's no point in praying to you anymore, because either you can't hear us, or you don't care. I don't believe that, though. You're our father. You hear all prayers. As for not caring… well, I just can't believe that the father in the stories I was raised on could really just _stop_ caring. I don't know where you went, but there's no place like home. Aren't you lonely, out there on your own?

Maybe I'll just keep you company for a while. I'm to go to Earth soon. It'll be my first mission on the ground. I hope there's a vessel willing to let me in. I wonder if I'll run into Castiel while I'm there. Everyone says he's a monster, but I don't think that's true. I've heard him speak… he seems trustworthy. If the stories are true, not many angels have actually met you, but I feel like you and Castiel would have gotten along.

I watched a star's birth yesterday. It reminded me of you, and I found myself longing for you even more. It's been so long since we could feel you in Heaven. It's all cold now. I wish you would come home. It's not home without you here. But that star… it reminded me how powerful and magnificent you were. It was beautiful.

I'm sorry, I'm getting a little choked up now. I just miss you so much. I can't wait until you come home, Father. Watching that star being born in so much glory was an amazing gift. Your creations are beautiful! But I want more. I want you. I… I've never even seen you, but I remember how it used to feel. I want to feel like that again.

Some of the angels even say that you must be dead. But there's too much beauty still, so that can't be true. Anyway, I- I have to go soon. As always, I'll keep an eye out on your humans, I won't forget my mission.

Hurry home, Father.

* * *

 _Castiel_

I don't understand.

Why me? Why do you keep bringing _me_ back? There's nothing special about me, nothing different. Well… except for how much I keep ruining everything I touch. There are a thousand angels who are worthier than me who should have been returned instead. I've made a mess of everything, no matter how hard I try to do what's right. Why me?

Why was _I_ the one who rescued Dean? Out of all the angels in the garrison who could have gotten there first, why was it me? Why did I become his guardian? I don't regret it, I just... don't understand. The moment I raised him, everything changed, and it's almost like you knew. Did you know what would happen? Did you know I would turn away from Heaven? Did you know what I would become?

What _have_ I become? I'm lost, Father. I need guidance. I'm not wise, like you. I'm not powerful, like Michael. I was just a soldier. An angel, blindly following orders. I'm nothing… a monster who's murdered _thousands_ of brothers, who can _never_ fully atone, so why me?

I used to pray for you to come back. Every day. Every night. Every moment. I believed you would come back and fix everything. I don't believe that anymore. Sam does, but not me, or Dean. So if you won't come back and _help_ us, then at least give me the means to protect my family. My grace is hardly what it was… my wings are- are shredded. Amara… even she could tell that I was no threat. Give me a way to fight her, if you won't do it yourself.

Because believe me, you may have decided your creations weren't worth the effort to save after all, but I haven't. I'll fight for them. With every bit of strength I have left, no matter how hopeless. They taught me that, these humans. When there's nothing left to believe in… not even you… they'll still never give up. And neither will I. Not because you ordered it so, but because they're worth it, and they're my family.

Maybe Heaven has forgotten what that means, but I still believe.

I'm expendable. I'm used up. I'm tired. I have nothing left to give but a weak, barely functioning body. It's all I've got, but I'll give it anyway.

And I will always keep fighting.


End file.
